The Poison Tour Diary via Metal Sludge

Date May 29, 2001 / 493 reads / No comments yet

"Miss Perfect Honey 2001 and The Fuckazo Drum Incident"

Well, well, the reviews are coming in. Some good, some bad. Nothing new. Always a few grumpy fuckers grumbling about something. As for the tour diaries, for the few that are bitching about that as well, I don't care that you don't care. So who fuckin' cares? Suck on my meat straw!
Allow me to address Warrant, let me be more specific, the dick head drummer, Mike Fuckazo or whatever his name is. I offer the guy a ride with some friends of mine (yes, I actually have a few friends) to go looking for some vintage drums around town the other day. I know Mike likes vintage drums, so I figured, why not, he seems cool. I'm not out to hold old Warrant stigma against this guy. First off, he gives me his cell phone number and tells me to call him when I'm ready to leave. Like he's so fuckin' busy he needs a heads up. Whatever, he's born and raised in L.A., so I guess it goes with the territory.
My friends arrive and I'm tell them, hey, I wanna go looking for some drums and I wanna take Mike from Warrant along, is that cool. They are a like, why him? I tell them I think he's pretty cool and I'm trying to make an effort to get along with these guys. They say, O.K.
So, we get to this pawn shop and I spy this Red 1961 Slingerland snare drum. I go, wow, this rocks, I wonder what the guy wants for this? Mike goes, leave it to me, I'll get the guy down from whatever he's askin'. Ya really want it? I go, yeah, as long as he's reasonable. Who wants to over pay for shit, ya know. I keep looking around and Mike comes back a few minutes later and goes, forget it, this guy is an ass and wants waaay too much. How much? I ask. Too much, dude, just forget it, Mike sez.
Well, I thought Mikey was lookin' out for his new pal, Rikki... nope! We get back to the venue later and I retreat to the dressing room to shower, cleanse thy nuts, shave, ect. About an hour and half later, Paulie, my drum tech strolls into the dressing room and goes, dude, did you see Mike's Slingerland snare that he just picked up? Išm like, What? What color? What is it? Paulie goes, Red, 1961, I think. *Can you believe this shit? Mikey the bag lickie went back and bought the fuckin' drum behind my back !*
Now, I don't know about you, but I happen to think that this is a bad way to start out a friendly road relationship. So, I go to Paulie, get your ass out there right now and Vaseline that pricks's drum sticks. Paulie is like, huh? What the fuck is the matter with you, man? I go, That fuck wad Fuckazo bought that drum behind my back! Paulie looks at me like, whatever man, I think you are trippin' and then sez, I guess it's your sense of humor, I'll get used to it, I guess. Just pay me.
Well, if that ain't enough...
Fast forward to the after show...
I'm in heaven, this chick and her daughter who runs the T-Rex webring comes to the after show and presents me with a jacket that was made and worn by Marc Bolan from T-Rex. It is the best frickin' gift that I think I have ever received backstage at a show. Vinnie from Pantera is awaiting our arrival to his club in a little while, my bros from Machado Jiu-Jitsu Dallas are hangin', there is some of the best trim I have seen so far on this tour and low and behold, the honey of all honeys walks up to me and gives me that kind of smile that is hard to describe. It's the kind of look and smile that gives you that warm spell that goes from your ears to your crotch in 2 seconds flat. I point to her and I say, sweetie, be with me tonight and Išll... umm, geez, I really didn't know what to say! I was flabbergasted with beauty! I continue... Ummm, will you go to the club with me later? She goes, yeah, it's all good Rikki.
Well, I continue to rap with people and sign stuff, occasionally looking over to see how Miss Perfect Honey 2001 is doing. All of the sudden, I see a familiar face come looming through the door. It's Fuckazo! I look over to my Jiu-Jitsu buddies to give them a heads up that there might be some action and low and behold, they are gone. A voice perks up and sez, if you are lookin' for your buds, they went to get some brews and they'll see ya at the club later. OK, fine, I'm on my own.
I say to myself, fuck it! Maybe Fuckazo is trying to make amends. Amends my ass! Just when I think it's safe to assume that he may be cool, he bums a smoke from someone and that prick fuck goes waltzing' out the door with guess who? Miss Perfect Honey 2001! My dream girl is about to sleep with the ememy!
Just about then, Robo, our tour manager, comes in and says, It's time to split and go over to Pantera's club. I say, cool Robo, but where did Fuckazo go with my honey? Robo, goes, What the fuck are you talkin' about? Who is Fuckazo? I sez, The fuckin' cum wad from Warrant, he stole my chick! He did not, Robo spits back. Warrant left already. Not Fuckazo, I say, He's here and looming like a fuckin' white trash vampire. Besides, Robo goes on, If she's with him, you don't want her anyway! I know, I say, In theory I agree, but this chick is really somethin' else. Come on Rikki, Vinnie has you guys set up nice over at the Club. Are you a fuckin' moron or somethin'? There will be chicks for days. I don't care Robo, this chick is it! I insist.
This chick Lilly the Dilly, a comedian from Upstate New York overhears the conversation and sez, baby, that chick you keep glancing' at is out side puking' on some guy from Warrant. I guess, the little lady had a few too many. Just be glad you weren't kissin' the broad at the time! Was he? I ask. Who? She asks. Fuckazo, the guy from Warrant. Was he trying to kiss her while she puked? I ask. Oh, God! She says, you really are a fuckin' weird one Rikki. I try and fix my statement... No, I just mean, did he try... Fuckin OL', man! She spikes in. Don't you even give a shit about if she's OK? Yeah, I do, I say. It's just that... You don't act like it! She sez. I steady my look at her and say slowly, Look, Fuckazo bought this drum and I was... I can't believe you, dude! She barks, you say you like this chick and she's sick and all you care about is some fuckin' drum? That Mikey from Warrant at least gives a shit about people! Gives a shit? I say, he was trying to take my chick away! Please, Rikki! Lilly The Dilly now has nothing resembling a comedic tone to her voice, He was just trying to help her and you, you are a selfish prick!
I give up at this point. Fuckazo steals my drum, steals my chick (he was going to try and do her and she just happened to get sick in the process, who can blame her) and my fuckin' tour manager doesn't even really believe that he was even there! I got some failed comedian from N.Y. lambasting my ass and now I, feel sick!
All I can say is, look the fuck out Fuckazo! I wouldn't dream of throwing Warrant off the tour for this. I would rather make your life hell and I shall! And what the fuck is up with your drums anyway? Camo Glitter? What? I wanna be manly yet be glitzy? Please, you are neither, you cell phone toting' third generation Warrant member ! Besides, he ripped off the Metal Sludge logo that graces his front bass drum head! This ass wipe has balls. He's obviously lookin' for nothin' but but a bad fuckin' time!
As for Vinnie's club... Hešs the king and treated us great, but I really don't remember much. Yeah, I eventually got sick that night too...

The Tormentor of the Tormented