The Poison Tour Diary via Metal Sludge

Date July 6, 2001 / 461 reads / No comments yet

"Ma Kin & The Water St. Hippie"

Finding a line for internet connections has been a bitch as of late. When I do, I have had terrible connections as well. I wanted to get this entry up days ago.
Holy shit! C.C. did get an F.U. award! God, now I feel bad 'cause I instigated it. Oh, well, what cha gonna do?
Cool that Bianca Butthole did 20 questions. She waited on me at a store on Melrose a couple of months ago. I never knew she wanted to tour with Poison. She never mentioned a damn thing. I'd kinda like to fuck her, actually. She'd probably fuck me six ways ta Sunday if she decided to. She won't though.
Anyway, I look forward to the Dream Date festivities. Tina, the winner, seems awesome and really attractive. I just hope Fuckazo doesn't embarrass me. Zeek, the drummer who drives bus for Enuff Z' Nuff, is going to be the chaperone. Kevin Dubrow was originally going to do it, but King Vitamin Dubrow has already contributed his part to this stupendous activity in his own way.
Fuckazo loves calling me Rocko because he knows that calling me that is a reminder that Iım under his jurisdiction in The Vint Drum Mafia. Low and behold, the Godfather of the Midwest payed us a visit in Detroit. You think this Vint Drum Mafia thing is all fun and games don't ya's? Think again! He confiscated my 1970 Rogers kit right out from under the bay of the bus. Fuckazo didnıt say shit either. "Just pay homage and keep your mouth shut", Fuckazo said in a whisper. Evidently the store owner where I got the drums called the Midwest Godfather and told him who bought it. I didn't get clearance before the purchase and their were evidently some unhappy people.
I am starting to put together an online "Diary Scrap Book" kind of thingie. This gives some visual reference to my escapades. I believe in documenting things now. I wish I would have done it sooner.
I keep getting asked about the little situation that happened with the crowd in Fargo, N.D. last week. To tell ya truth, from a legal standpoint, I really can't comment. However, here is the headline from the GO section of The Forum newspaper. "Poison's actions irresponsible, dangerous." Here are some highlights from the article (these are the newspapers words, not mine), "With a crowd of about 15,000, Poison gave the best attended concert of this year's fair." "Fans shouldn't have climbed the fence." "... the band spontaneously rearranged seating."
Well, you get the picture, right? All I know is that the folks in Fargo are particularly talented at knowing how to rock their asses off and we love 'em! They sure weren't there for a Barry Manillo concert.
Rockin' The Hills in Bottineau, N.D. was all that and more last night. Holy shit! These people are fuckin' insane for rock n roll and God love 'em for it. We played there in '99 and this year was way more over the top. While dressing rooms and all artist amenities might be nonexistent at best, the rest of the scene is quite amazing. Rockin' The Hills is a mini Woodstock without the destruction and rape to go along with it. There was like 20,000 people there by the time we went onstage. Ya know, there is nothing like a high energy, hard rock crowd. Enthusiastic people, tities flyin' in the wind and people just havin' a really good fuckin' time. Iım sorry, you just don't get to see this kind of shit at a Death Metal concert. I'll take our Poison Posse any fuckin' day of the week. Even when I'm 70 years old (if I make it), there will still never be a replacement for a crowd of hard rockers with chicks on their shoulders sporting some of nature's finest assets. Call me sexist. Oh, it hurts so.
Ya know, these people that keep saying, "Ahh, hair metal sucks and it's dead." are starting to sound like a bunch of stupid kids who overdid the April Fools jokes after April Fool's day was long over. You just sound like idiots at this point. Go pierce your fuckin' balls or somethin'! I mean, their stance is, "I hate what you do, so I wanna kick your ass!" Well kick it then! I still haven't had one of these miserable fucks do it yet.

... Yet another long fuckin' bus ride ...
I met Mark from the Turtles the other night. Mark, as in Flo and Eddie. After singing on everything from T-Rex records to Frank Zappa records, this guy has the best stories on the planet. C.C. and I listened to him for a couple of hours and weren't bored for a second. Deep Purple's, "Smoke On The Water"... Well, he was there when the catastrophe happened that the song was written about. How fuckin' cool is that! O.K., so I'm a 70's trivia geek. I think he should write a book and I insist that he does.
With the exception of some drunk, fucked up chick telling me that she needed her "Victoria's Secret Wham-Bam-Thank You-Maam Kit" in order to do the nasty with me. I have had mostly normal encounters this week. This chick went on spewing something about drug dealers in some other state wanting to fuck her and buy her things. This girl was really nice and pretty as a picture. I sure hope she doesn't end up in a crack house addicted to coke with a "Hit" on her head for knowing too much one day. I really hate seeing people this fucked up on drugs. I hate to sound like someone's Pop here, but girl, if you do happen to read this, just remember that if you go through life fucked up, life will eventually fuck you up! Good luck baby.

A few quick catch up notes:...
Bret's bunk is just across the hall from me. Apparently, I awoke the frazzled front man from his slumber with my explosive ass this morning. Must have been something I ate last night. Sorry Bro!
My hair looks like a victim from the movie "Seven" this morning. This is usually about the time someone asks me to take a picture with them.
Our tour manager Robo is dealing with a possible lawsuit issued against C.C. from the other night. Apparently C.C. told some stripper that she had to carry a bottle of "Mike's Hard Lemonade" in her ass from the back of the bus to the front without dropping it and then he[d let her out. The odd thing is that she complied with the request. That C.C.! I can hear the lawyers now, "Miss Blank, was the bottle of Mike's Hard Lemonade open or closed and was it full or empty?" "Objection your honor, this has no bearing on the current condition of my clients ass!" Jeez, C.C. was just kidding.
They had this huge assed video screen behind us last night. Very cool, indeed. I was watching Warrant for a minute and they did a close up of Jerry. His eyebrows were like seven feet across. Fuckin' awesome! Donna Anderson and I made amazing, passionate love yesterday in the quiet morning light. Roses are blue, violets are red and if you believe that youıre fucked in the head!
Oh, I just recently found out who Jani Bon Neil really is. It's Mike Fuckazo! No, honestly it's Vinnie Paul from Pantera. We both just ordered an Official Metal Sludge Koffin! Kewl!
Bret may be my best friend, but I just can't relate to some his antics as of late. Why, just the other night on our day off, he invited a few friends over to the hotel. The one older chick used to fuck Steve Tyler back in the day and Bret thinks that is pretty cool. Anyway, this chick, "Ma Kin" as she is known, wanted to do something special for Bret. She made her appearance in a bandana, braids, huge oversized sunglasses and some Stevie Nicks looking dress with no undies. (This latter observation was apparent when she stood against a lit background.) Ma Kin informs us that she is trippin on acid and hasn't yet peaked.
Bret is always nice to people, but he doesn't like a whole lotta small talk and invites her into his room quite expediently. I guess I can be a dick sometimes as I exit the room and force the Do Not Disturb sign in the door lock. This will allow me to document Bret's very odd antics a little later. Ma Kin may be a little older than most, but she still has this amazing little yoga body with these god given legs. Now me, I would have been happy just to lift that Stevie Nicks dress up and take her like that. Not Bret, everything has to be an event with him.
Well, I sneak back in to the room like the asshole that I am, and observe the following (Warning: What you about to read is disturbing even to me): Ma Kin is nude except for the bandana and sunglasses. She is sitting on the edge of the bed with her arms outstretched and holding herself up.
Odd observation #1. She has a target that is magic markered on her stomach.
Odd observation #2. Bret is tossing off about two or three feet away with an extremely Japanese looking face on him.
My #1 question: Is Bret trying to hit the target?
My #2 Question: Does he really think he can from there?
Well, silly me, Bret pulls a Silence Of The Lambs move. Yep, he tosses off in his hand and wails the fuckin' goo across the room at Ma Kin! Boom! Bing! Bang! He more or less hits it right on! This is obviously not his first time trying this shit. Moreover, he did it left handed! He ain't left handed! Why am I even honoring his abilities to hit the target right now. Wake up Rikki! Your fuckin' singer just pulled a Silence Of The Lambs move on some chick on acid who used to rail Tyler and all I can say to myself is, "Wow, nice hit?!"
I guess I'm as fucked up as he is. But look people, I have seen just about it all. I have seen every orifice pierced on people, people who claim they like cannibalism for fun and religion, and even people who carve their skin down to their first layer so they can see bodily functions work. Why would this bother me then? Because, this is Bret! I figure if I ever get married he'd be the best man. Not a fuckin' chance now! God, who knows what he'd fuckin' do at a wedding! And to think he's mad at me for accidentally hitting on his daughter! At least there's an upside, he's wised up about not using condoms.

* Part Two * Milwaukee...
I had two friends in town to hang with. I've known Kevin and Don for over ten years. We met skateboarding years ago before I dislocated my shoulder on a half pipe and swore off boarding on tours. Both of them still represent various skate and snowboard companies and they both are still nuts as ever.
A couple of sisters came over to the hotel and volunteered to take us out bar hopping in their van. Both girls remained extremely cool given the fact that I was shooting pics of of Don and Kevin lighting farts when they arrived. Nothin' like a few "Blue flamers" to make ya laugh hysterically. I know, I'm still very adolescent in my humor. I'm sorry, this is funny fuckin' shit!
So, we all go out and hit Water Street. Pretty soon, we are meeting all kinds of people on the street and wind up getting invited to go to some dance club called the Sky Lounge. I ended up getting like 20 people in the door and the fine folks who run the place gave us a V.I.P. lounge to hang out in. So here we are, Kevin, Don, Smoothie, me and about 20 drunks girls. Not a bad start! All of the sudden, Travis from Days Of The New comes up to me out of nowhere and goes, "Dude, I like your work here." He is obviously talking about my abilities to throw an impromptu party. Anyway, we all drink, laugh, raise hell and just generally have a good time. By the end of the night I had given out about 40 backstage passes for the next night's show. This behavior drives Carrie the production assistant, crazy. I had to make up for it by giving her a pair of Velvet sunglasses and a baby doll T.
Apparently, a bunch of us ended up back at my room. I awake to a forehead kiss from this hippie chick the next morning telling me she has shit to do and she'll see me later. At this point I am seriously clueless as to what happened in the previous hours. The phone rings and it's Don demanding that we all go have flapjacks at the hotel restaurant. Cool with me...
The rockers in Milwaukee are serious about their rock. It seems that you are either a rocker or you are not. In this town if you are a rocker, you wear it proudly. This was a damn good rock n roll show. I never, never wanna miss this town ever on tour. Garrison from Drum Workshop was there. He had a great time, pissed off some chick's boyfriend and felt bad that Ricky Parent has odd thumbs. He feels even worse for me that I have a butt on my chin. Muskegon, Mich...
Another Poison only show. Actually a local band called the Automatics opened the show and they worked their asses off. Good job guys! This was a suprise turn out. We figured it would do pretty well, but had no idea it was going to draw over 16,000 people. There we so many younger people there. Some dude ran on stage during my solo with a camera and landed head first in my escape hole behind me. Fuck! I can't believe he walked away from that! I had my little friend, SwankyGirl hangin' with me. Swanky makes me wanna do really bad things.
Another trailer for a dressing room. I don't know if I was hung over or what, but there was some kind of psychic energy in there, I think. Anyway, waaay cool show! I loved it!
Since this entry is getting way too long, I'll close for now. I look forward to Chi Town where I may possibly see "Bungee", again. Bungee is this double jointed chick who loves glam. Stay tuned...

Pimpin' ain't easy when you're fat and greasy!

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