The Poison Tour Diary via Metal Sludge

Date June 29, 2000 / 464 reads / No comments yet

Dear Sludge Diary,
(Strap in, this is a bit long)
Well, hello Rochester! Gawd! To start things off, my tech Sal gets thrown in jail on our day off, has to get bailed and appear before the judge at 7:00 p.m. the next night. Hmmm, that meant he couldn't make the show or possibly be incarcerated! Seems Sal let a few important fines go by the wayside during the Korn/Stained tour and being his hometown, they wanted to welcome him back in style.
Well then, the show... Fever pitched, crazed and hungry for rock folk poured into the show. They were not happy to be only in the audience and 1/2 way through the set, one by one, they started to come up on stage. To make a long story short, by the time we hit talk dirty to me, 215 people were on stage and some bozo was trying to go up the middle like a football play with my 12" tom. Fortunately, he got closelined by the monitor guy. Me? Well, like I said, my tech was in front of some judge! I bet you have no idea what it is like signing , "...down the basement, ect" while trying to convince some dude to let go of your prized drums while still trying to smile at some girl with no undies, dancing stripper style on your left. Life could be worse I suppose, but how was I gonna be the smooth rock star I'm supposed to be, get my drums back and still keep my fuckin cool? FatFree could have cleared that stage in 10 seconds with one waft of her crotch, but where was she? Now don't get me wrong, Mike, Fred Coury's tech is a fine tech, but he was just flabbergasted at this whole situation. He took over for my now absent tech Sal and had never had to deal with the juggling act before him. I look back and said, "Mike, ya better help out!" Well, Mikey got a smile from ear to ear and I was just wondering to myself, oh no, Mikey has a little bit of pent up frustration? "Mikey Joe Young", as we now call him, somehow became superhuman and started to WWF everyone around the kit. Lucky for all, by the time Mikey Joe Young was in his heyday the set was over, the lights went out and the crowd had started to dissipate. Of course all this came at a price. Every one of my hats, sunglasses, mics and sticks were evaporated into the crowd. Not to mention Bret, Bobby and C.C.'s mics and mic stands.
Oh, what a night! Hold on, the best is yet to come...
I said hello to about 50 rampant fans at the aftershow, but in the end I was going to myself, "There isn't one chick here who even likes me in the least for after hours fun." What a drag. Well, just when ya think it's time to call it a night, something always happens unexpected in the Poison camp.
Our security guy, Big John goes, "Rikki, there is a slightly odd one out here to see ya. Should I send her in or not?" Odd one? Sounds perfect for me.
Enter, Nurse Karen. A Pre-Med student with a rather funky agenda. Now, don't get me wrong, Nurse Karen is very attractive under all her goth make-up. Pearly white teeth like chicklets, killer lips and boobs that look like two linebackers trying to get out of a tent. However, it's that, "I'll cut your dick off look" that scares me. Nurse Karen carries a lunch box with a red cross on one side and backstage stickers from the many shows she has attended and a vinyl lipservice looking nurse dress. She was also sporting a pair of goggles, indicating she had seen my picture where I'm wearing goggles, this is to say, I'm the victim tonight. O.K., fair enough, I figure.
Nurse Karen speaks with a German accent even though I know it's a put on. Who cares? I'm up for the show. "I wanna zee your dick and I vant to zee it now!" says, Nurse Karen. "Well, not yet." I say. "SILENCE! She screams, like the leader of the pack in a Viking movie. You talk when I zay zo and not until you zlut pieze a chit!" (German accent turned up full) Wow! She's really layin' it on thick here, I say to myself. Kinda fun, but kinda scary. I guess that's the fun though. I'm not big into the S&M thing, but I do like the clothes some of the chicks wear and nurse Karen could win an award with this get up. So, I let her continue... "Your dick, your ballz, your body and zoul, are all mine from now on! Underztand?" "Ummm, y-yeah, I guess s..." I sez. "SILENCE!" once again, she belts out.
All I wanted tonight was some sweet young Northern belle to have a little fun with, but noooo, as usual I get the chick from hell, while she looks like a wet dream, this one has a rather disturbed imagination. All of the sudden, she pulls up her plastic dress and exposes her multi pierced kitty with, you guessed it, a rip cord hangin' out. A rip cord you ask? Why did ya. Let's just call it feminine protection cable. "You want my puzzy you lame fuck don't you?" She sez. "Eat this first!" and with a great tug, pulls out a nasty tampon with blood drooling off of it. Well, needless to say, my hard on went head first into the deepest bowels of my stomach hiding from the hellbound world that had just surrounded me. Look, if you really love a chick, doing the nasty while Aunt Flow is visiting isn't all that horrible, but this chick makes it into a XXX Horror documentary. I mean, she wants this thing in my mouth! Yuk! I'm just not goin' there! I'm thinkin', there are guys that would give their left nut to hang with this chick, I mean she is so hot looking, she could be wearing burlap and you'd pop wood, but this shit is just goin a bit to far for me. I may be old fashioned, but playing "How many licks does take to get to the center of a tampax" is just not what I had in mind.
"I zee I have exzited you, my lovely cock star." She sez. Excited ain't the word. "John! John! I scream. Get this fuckin' looney out of my dressing room!" With one swift movement, Nurse Karen does the unthinkable. She whips the tampon right at my face. Thank the Lord she can't throw worth a shit. The bloody matted roll splats right behind me on my wardrobe case. Big John runs in and goes, "What the fuck happened to your face?" It seems a bit of the fluid careened across my forehead. Nurse Karen starts laughing like Regan in the exorcist. "Get this fuckin' nut outta here!" I say. "Are you serious? She's gorgeous." John says. "Look, she leaves, or you have just won a plane ticket home!" I yell. "Rik, I love ya, but don't get cocky with me!" John retorts. Can you believe this? Some white plastic clad exorcist reject ho bag is lookin' to run me into the gound with a bloody tampon and all Big John has to say is, don't get cocky with me? "John, look..." I point to the embedded red roll stuck to my dressing case drawer. I haven't quite seen a look like this before on someones face, at least since FatFree's incident, anyway. "Holy fuckin' shit! Sez John. That is hot!" All I can say is there is someone for everyone. I guess Big John was happy that night. As for me, I was just hoping to pull my dick outta my stomach so I could at least take a leak before retiring to my lonely, lonely bunk.
Oh, and Sal? He made it back for load out wondering what had happened. "Hey, did ya get that homemade pasta from my Mom that she sent over?" Sal asks. Yeah, the sauce is in the dressing room Sal.

Rikki Rockett
Someday, I'll be a star!