Dear Dr. Rockett

Date September 15, 2000 / 313 reads / No comments yet

Here's what's up:

As you know, Metal Sludge had an advice column called the Metal Sludge Advisor. We answer emails and give out advice. But who wants to ask us shit? What do we know? We can hardly update the page so we are in no position to be telling someone anything. Plus we're lazy. So we thought it would be cool to get a real rock star to do it for us. Someone who was worldly, who has seen it all and done it all. Somebody who could help people with their problems and was well respected by everyone. Someone who had all the answers and knew what to say.

Unfortunately, we couldn't get Steven Tyler so instead you'll have to settle for Rikki Rockett.

Fuck Dr. Ruth, Fuck Lovelines, Fuck Dear Abby, you have Dear Rockett now! He'll give you advice on relationships, sex, music, travel, fashion, food and drink, fighting, stalking, how to hide dead bodies, what that funny growth is on your genitals is, whatever the fuck you want to ask him. And if you are coming to our page, we know you must have some problems!

You can send your questions to DearRockett@metal-sludge.com and we will forward them to Rikki. We can't guarantee that all your questions will be answered because Dr. Rockett is a very busy man, but he'll do the best he can to see that your problems are solved.

However, this ISN'T the chance for you to tell Dr. Rockett that he sucks, he's a poseur, etc. Go tell that shit to the mountain because we don't give a shit. And don't send an email unless you have a question for Dear Rockett. And we aren't talking questions like "Can you guys play Cry Tough on your next tour?" or "What are your favorite CDs?" We don't want any of the either. It's an advice column, not your chance to interview Rikki! If you are some chick he met on the road, DearRockett@metal-sludge.com isn't the address to send your love letters too. However, if you have nude pictures of yourself we will see that those get to Rikki. We're cool like that.

Why am I doing this job? What makes me qualified to give any advice? The answer is, I dunno. I did do a Love Doctor segment with Dr. Judy once in New York! That counts, right?
I can't always be consistent with deadlines 'cause I am actually busy with shit, but I'll do my best.
Before you read any of this stuff, remember that I am assuming that you understand basic safer sex practices, are of age as a consenting adult and in your right mind. Well, maybe not totally in your right mind or you
wouldn't be writing.
As a service to the Sludge public. It is my honor to serve you.

rikki rockett

Dear Rockett:

I've got a problem with some of my lady friends, and I'm having a hard time coming up with a solution.
As a person with vast experience in this area, I'm certain you can help. See, I like to eat pie. Y'know, cunnilingus. And in the past, this hasn't been a problem, since most of the women I knew really liked to lick their love juices off my chin when I was finished. Not a problem there. The problem is the chick I'm currently bangin'. She says that the smell of her secretions turns her off, and wants me to go wash my face and brush my teeth after I'm finished. But...right when I'm finished is when she's all a-quiver, and I wanna plow right in. That minute or so in the bathroom is a real mood killer.
On one occasion, I had a glass of wine and a wet washcloth ready in the bedroom, and used the wine as mouthwash to get the girly goo taste out of my mouth and the washcloth on my face. The results here were
only fair, and she said she could still taste herself when she kissed me.
So tell me, Rikki, is there a faster and more effective way to cleanse one's face after eating pussy, especially without leaving the room?

Mr. Mouth

Dear Mr. Mouth,
I had a friend who had the same problem. It was back when I was in a world famous band called Igneous. Poor guitarist Dan went out with the sister of the chick I was dating. Danny had to keep gum and all kinds of shit with
him to keep Ms. Prissy juices happy. I myself, had a situation where after I was done muff divin', this chick sez to me, "Hey there cunt breath!" Look, some dudes can't kiss a chick after she has given them head either.
Can you? What's good for the goose is good for the gander, ya know. If it bothers you to kiss the chick after you've been serviced, she has every right to make you wash off your cunt licker after the deed too. Shirley Manson from Garbage answered some questions about how she hates when people get all freaked out about sex juices. I agree. Get it on or fuckin' don't. Aside from one night stands when you don't know your partner, etc., etc., you shouldn't have to worry about this shit. It breaks the mood, no doubt! However, you have a situation where it doesn't sound like your female companion will settle for anything less than clean. Two words in that case... Baby Wipes!

Dr. Rockett

Dear Rockett,

OK. I have this huge CD collection. Like 2200 discs. I have some cool rare and import stuff by KISS, Ozzy/Sabbath, Van Halen and, yep, even Poison. It's alright, I can aford it. My problem is this: I have a
few CD's that my "metal" friends find insulting. They say I shouldn't have CD's by Nelson, Slaughter, Yanni, Kenny G. and Kathie Lee. There is no question that I myself am metal. But they fell I should be listening to like Black-Soul, Death Burning-in-Hell, Rotting Corpse metal all the friggin' time. What do you think?

Ace St. Stanley

Dear Ace St. Stanley,
Dude! Get a grip! Listen to what the fuck you want to listen to. Do these fuckers tell you what movies to see too? I mean, if listening to music "to weld by" is your thing, cool, but fuck man, variety is the spice of life. I hope they don't want you to grow a mullet too. If they do, just don't! Say no! Fight the urge!

Dr. Rockett

Dear Rockett,
I've been trying for more than a year now to get my girl of 6 & 1/2 years to try anal sex. I've cokest,probed,talked for hours on end....nothing. I've never done it (neither has she....) Any Advice?.....
Analess in Kansas City

Dear Analess,
The ass is a touchy thing my friend. I personally don't like fucking in the ass and I sure wouldn't want to be fucked in the ass personally. Besides needles, it's also the best transmission of AIDS. The ass is rich in capillaries that break easily and cum contains blood by-product. It's easy to see why it's transmission is easy this way. Not to be a bummer, but you should know this going in.
Guys usually like ass whompin' cause it's tighter and if the chick has a nice lookin' ass, you just wanna violate it. I get the idea. The major upside is she won't get knocked up! So, if it's your thing and you "know your partner", get ready for some hassle the first time around.
1. Make her wash her ass properly.
2. Lube is essential. So lube liberally. (K.Y. Jelly works well.)
3. Use your finger first till she relaxes.
4. Go for it slow then with your dick. It's going to freak her out at first. Don't just ram the bitch. The bigger your meat, the more it's going to freak her out.
5. Again, go slow. Virgin ass here.
6. Don't ever
put your dick in her pussy without washing off first after ass fucking. She'll more than likely get a yeast infection, her pussy will burn, itch and it'll stink like a dead skunk. If you fuck her after she gets the infection, you'll have the infection too and it'll go back and forth till you both get your shit together.
If you are not using a rubber, make sure and piss right after your done fucking. This will help blow the micro-organisms that belong in the ass, not in your urethra, out of your prick. Side Note: (Actually, pissing even
after you have regular vaginal sex helps get rid of sometimes troubling infection oriented organisms. I know dudes that have avoided some STD's by doing just that. I don't recommend not using rubbers, but I'm just saying.
Girls, it helps if you do too.)
Anyway, some folks just love fuckin' in the butt and have very little vaginal sex. If it's your thing, go for it. Why the fuck not? Don't fuck her up mentally the first time by being hasty, though. You'll ruin it for your self too. There are tons of books on this shit too. Good luck and happy butt surfing bro!

Dr. Rockett
Still preferring tight little pussies.

Hey Rikki,
It's an honor, and I'm not just saying that so you will answer my question. But since you asked, here it is: You have a hottie under you, and you're fighting the urge to shoot your load a good two minutes into the muff.
What tips and techniques do you have to keep your cool and live up to the rock star sex status? No pictures please!

thanks for keeping glam alive,

Dear Brett (Hairtrigger),
Your case isn't rare at all. We dudes grow up whackin' off to pictures of chicks and wanting to blow whenever we feel like it. Sometimes quickly so we don't get caught rubbin' one off. Then, when we actually get a real live
chick and we are balls deep in that warm, wet cloud of flesh, it's like, Holy fuck, this rocks! And we blow!
Ahh, well, I do know the feeling. With my first real girlfriend , I had this problem. In fact, I had to have her give me head or jack me off first so I wouldn't blow too soon when we did the nasty. I tried thinking about dogshit and rotting corpses, but that didn't help. I blew anyway and started to worry that dogshit and rotting corpses were turning me on! I consulted a sex book dealing with such matters and the technique worked. It's called the squeeze method and it is detailed in the book, "The Joy Of Sex". Have your chick give you head or start fucking and when you feel the urge, have her squeeze your rod right at the base of the head until the cum feeling subsides. Do this several times. Communication is essential here. Don't rat fuck yourself by letting yourself pop. Go slow and controlled. After several of these squeezes, (fifteen minutes, say) let yourself go. A couple of weeks of this and your mind will be the squeeze control. It's a good time for her to practice squeezing her pussy muscles too. (Ladies, pussy control is essential!)
You can practice this yourself too. Get the best whack materials you can get together, (The ones that always work) jerk yourself and try the technique. It's still best with a partner though and plus you get laid! An understanding partner is essential. Let her know that this is for her too. Also, some people say that if you try and control yourself when you piss, like stopping and then starting over and over again, that this also helps.
I dunno about that one.
A quick fix is one of those thick-assed rubbers. They desensitize your prick, but then again, it's still the head trip of actually fucking that more often makes one premy.
We have all been there, so if your reading this and laughing at this dude, fuck off!

Good luck!
Dr. Rockett

Dear Rockett,
I just wondered if you could help me, by giving me some advice. I was good friends with this guy, he always was trying to get me to sleep with him. So finally I gave in and now he doesn't talk to me and I may be pregnant what should I do? I tried tell him and asking him but he never is home and will not return my calls please help.


Dear Depressed,
Sorry I haven't called, but I've been busy.
O.K., serious...
Before I give straight advice, let me just say something. Why do so many chicks think they have to be friends with a guy before having sex? Sexual tension gets in the way of actually getting to know someone. I mean, if I
wanna fuck a chick, I can't even hear what she's saying until after my primal needs are full filled.
He wasn't your friend, he wanted to fuck. From now on, fuck the guy in question and then become friends if it's possible. You went about it all wrong. It isn't always possible to be friends. Just because you are physically attracted to someone doesn't mean you are soul mates. That's life. Sounds like you didn't wanna fuck the guy in the first place. Sounds like you were just pacifying his libido to keep the friendship.
One word from now on... Condom! For many reasons beyond the scope of this column.
Get a pregnancy test. If you are pregnant, tell the guy. If he won't answer the phone, leave him a message. Get a blood test and if it's his, he's responsible under the law too. But you knew that, right?
Here's some simple algebra equations.
>Fuck with no rubber = Pregnant or STD's.
>Pregnant + abortion = guilt.
>Pregnant + having it + no man = child support & welfare/and or shitty job. (Can be altered by being industrious, educated or having rich parents.)
>Pregnant + having it + adoption = where is the child?
Not easy, huh? I know, it sux. Good luck.

-Dr. Rockett

Dear Rockett:
I currently have a really really hot girlfriend who does everything for me and loves me to death. Of course she has a rockin body and flaming red hair; shes's impeccable. However, for as long as I can remember, I have
been known to fool around with real fat chicks because its fun. I want to be faithful to my girlfriend, but I find myself talking to BBW's online and reading fat chick magazines. Its like, I love showing my girlfriend off but sometimes I just want to climb on top of a 300 lb woman and just go nuts.

Should I show some self discipline and leave the old fat girls alone and be faithful to my girl, or should I dump my girlfriend so I can fuck fat girls without my conscience bugging me? Or should I just do both of them, women that is.

rock on

My first reaction is, "You're blowin' it!". However, I do see your point and me of all people should know the importance of an "Unskinny Bop" every now and again. Ya know, our society (serious button turned on for a sec) by in large, tells us that we should foster only relationships with thin chicks. I can't help to think back on a time when I was with this smokin' assed blonde at Disney Land. She bitched about everything. I kept noticing this heavy set couple, ya know the kind that one wears "Master and the other one wears "Slave" shirts. Well, they were happy. They were eating ice cream, kissing and fondling and happy just to stand in those long assed lines together. Ya know they probably fucked like rabbits when they got home. Me, I wanted out! Yeah, people were looking at my chick goin', "Holy shit, she rocks!", but I would have rather gone to hell with a broken back that day.
I know ya said she does everything for ya, but she must not. The thing is, you probably feel pressure free with a fat chick. You think in your mind, "She's lucky to have me!" Then you can feel like a man and fuck with reckless abandon. I get it! Thin, well built chicks can make a man feel insecure. You think they are always thinkin' in their head, "Maybe I can do better than this fuckin' guy." Truth is, they both think the same things. Here are the facts: Most thin, well built chicks are the most insecure of them all. They know that if they veer from their perfection, their life will change. Fat chicks already know what they are and deal with it. Yeah, some are insecure, but by in large, they are set in their ways and proud. I got your number. You dig having the rockin' chick because she not only looks good, but your friends probably are envious. However, the fat chicks rock your world 'cause they are appreciative and really wanna turn you on and so they do. Now everytime ya look at a fat chick, you remember how good that can be. We are creatures of habit and you are like Pavlog's dog. It's all a mind thing. Sex is only like 15% physical. The rest is a head trip. What you really want is to feel with your thin chick the way you feel with the fat ones. (I think?) My advice? (Isn't that why ya wrote?) Get a little more self confidence. Realize that if your chick leaves, there are tons more rockin' bitches out there. On the other hand, if ya like fat chicks
(and there ain't nothin' wrong with that, I have had quite a few on the road), get a fat one and fuck what the world has to say! Fat or thin, both breeds have wants and needs. It's up to you which ones ya wanna fill.

Dr. Rockett / "I always wanted a "large' audience.