Dear Dr. Rockett

Date October 3, 2000 / 298 reads / No comments yet

Dear Dr. Rockett:

I have a problem. I'm an attractive guy and have women constantly coming on to me. Yeah I know it sounds great, but it's actually frustrating. The problem is I'm probably the shyest guy alive. I don't know for sure, but I think one of these times I'll drop dead trying to talk to a girl. For instance, once this semi-famous hottie told me I had the most amazing eyes she has ever seen. Do you know what my comeback was? It was, "Uh....thanks?" I actually said it like I was asking a question. On the outside, I'm a bomb ass pimp, but inside I'm pretty insecure and a complete idiot with women. Can you help me capitalize on all of these hot chicks that want me? You are truly wise and knowledgeable in the ways of women. If anyone can help me, it is you. Help me Dr. Rockett, you're my only hope.

Dear Shyboy,
Yeah, well, let's help each other here. I hate shy, attractive guys. They are always the ones that some chick I like is trying to get with! So, fuck you!
I'll tell ya what, let me work on some chick I like, she'll inevitably like you, I'll turn her over your way. Then you'll have confidence and turn the chicks that hate the "shy types" over to me. Deal?

Dr. Rockett
"Open Up and Say, Ahhh!"

Hey Rikki.
You just gave some guy advice on getting laid, now how about advice for a chick? I know that this sounds odd, because everyone assumes that it so easy. OK, maybe it is if you have no standards whatsoever, but standards are good, no? And before you assume that I am ugly let me just tell you that most people I know tell me that I look like Brigitte Bardot, and honestly the comparison is very accurate. However, when I go out with friends, the only guys that approach me are the really gross polyester-suited types that hit on every chick in the room. I've tried going it alone, too, and the results are not much better. I once approached a guy and flat out asked him to go home with me and he told me that he had to get up early. After that experience, I have been reluctant to try it again. I am not desperate, I just don't want to go this whole year without a roll in the hay, you dig? My friends all tell me that I'm probably just too intimidating to most guys, but I'm friendly, honest! I'd value your opinion on what I should do since your the type of guy I wouldn't mind getting with.
Sincerely, Baffled

Hey Baffled,
You look like Brigitte Bardot? I'll fuck you!
Maybe you are just so hot that you make guys nervous and insecure as you said. I dated this chick once who had been seeing this guy for a while prior to meeting me. When it came to him making a move, he'd come up with some excuse and go get a drink or something. Turns out the guy couldn't control himself. One night, she just up and pulled her top off. The guy blew a load right there and then. She didn't even touch him. Talk about a hair trigger! She was hankerin' for a fuckin' by the time I got around to her. Too bad the first night she was on the rag. But that's just typical Rikki luck.
Anyway, it sounds like you are just pickin' from the wrong basket. You obviously haven't been to a Poison concert, have you? Come on out to L.A. sometime. I guarantee a few romps for 'lil Miss Baffled.

Dr. Rockett

Hellooooo Dr.!

Love your column! I have a real short question - what's your take on "friends with privileges"? And what do you think the chances are of such a relationship turning into a "real" relationship?



Dear Jill,
I'll assume "friends with privileges" means a friend who you'll have sex with. I think it can be the best of both worlds. Typically, guys fall in love with a chick's looks and then fall in love with them. Chicks fall for a guy and then fall for their looks. Now before you say, phooey, let me explain. Just about every chick I know, bases what she likes in a guys looks by some guy she used to date or really like or had a crush on. Guys are just fascinated by chicks looks period.
It's like this, (don't worry, I do have a point in all this) Just about every guy would agree that Pamela Anderson is hot. But when it comes to chicks, some like Johnny Depp and some like Woody Allen. I mean, there is a big difference with women!
Women fuck best when they are comfortable. Guys will fuck in a stall at some bar if given the chance. So, it's important that the girl is comfortable as friends because the guy doesn't give a fuck. He'll appreciate being friends, don't get me wrong. It's just more important for the girl to feel that way in order to function fuck-wise at the utmost level.
My answer in short is this: Make sure you both know that this can develope into something more. I say fuck thinking that it will ruin the friendship. If you both know the deal, roll the dice!

Dr. Rockett

Dear Rockett:

Since you have written a bit on the subject - who qualifies as a "fat chick?" Just some general guidelines for us clueless chicks not quite sure where we rate.

-I wanna be an unskinny bop......

Dear I wanna be an Unskinny Bop,

Oh God! I hate this question. O.K., so here's my answer anyway...
You are fat when...
1. You can't reach certain places with a washcloth.
2. You can't see your pussy without the aid of a mirror.
3. When you fart it sounds like a triplet played on a bass drum.
4. You have been rolled in flour so as to find the wet spot.
5. Only fat guys ask you out.
6. Linebackers seem little and cute.
7. Long buffet dinners are your daily fare.
8. No one will wait on you at Victoria's Secret.

This is just a guideline.

Dr. Rockett
" Strap me to a 2x4 so I won't fall in when she wants more!"
- Poison

Dear Rockett,
Hey Rikki! How ya doin'? Your tour diary Rocked!!!!!! Anyway, I wanted to ask you your advice on these two guys. One I was engaged too and I just broke up with ( cross between sebitchian and 'funboy' from 'The Crow') and one im seeing ( totally not my type to look at but conversation and sex is AWESOME!! ) Well before you pass judgement too soon my ex had a real addiction to pot. I used to smoke it but stopped when I realised how selfish I got and I just couldn't function on it, plus bongs fucking stink. So for the last year and a half I've supported him on it. Like a reformed ciggy smoker I started to get turned off by it and needless to say, him as well. I believe I'm on to a better thing now with this new guy but he sometimes likes to smoke it too - once or twice a week to relax which seems like nothin but I dont want him to do it at all - i wanna get away from it you know. I know I shouldn't try to change him. It just makes me feel like my company isn't good enough and I told him if he's gonna do it then I'll go home. Now I feel like he's probably sneakin' them in.
Am I being a bitch? Please be honest with me Rikki - like I know you will. Should I just keep movin'?
Lotsa Love,

Dear Kelly XO,
Peoples habits have nothing to do with you. These guys don't smoke pot 'cause they are bored with you. They just smoke pot.
Maybe make a compromise. My chick doen't like me smokin' cigs so I agreed to keep them out of the bedroom. Maybe tell him when you are doing something together that is important to you, that he doesn't get stoned at that time.
On the other hand, if it bugs you that much, find a new guy that doesn't smoke pot or tell him how much it bugs him. I doubt it'll change his desire to smoke it, but at least he'll know. Let him know that it can affect sperm counts too.
One more idea, You can always get pimp about it. Maybe slip him some ice, get him addicted and make him prostitute for you. Just a thought.

Dr. Rockett
"Sleepin' late and smokin' T"
- Ma Kin / Aerosmith

Mr. Dr. Rockett

I need some advice from you because, well you remind a lot of the person in question. I've known this guy for seven years and we've been best of friends. He's a bit of a "bad boy" plays drums in a band, not into the commitment thing and pretty much his own guy! I've never been one to hold a good man down, (well at least not in the bedroom) When we first met we began dating but never got consummate the relationship. Things were going great and I was tired of waiting for his move, so I made the move and he freaked. Before I knew it I got the big speel of "I think we're better off friends" I blamed myself totally and thought I wasn't pretty, or sexy enough etc I was crushed! For years I pointed the finger my way and have been secretly lusting this guy I call my best bud! I figured I'd take his friendship if that's all I could get, but let's get real I want the goods to!!! Don't get me wrong I haven't laid down and played virgin for all these years, but all the guys I'm with suffer an unfair comparison to my best bud. To make the agonizing story short I get blown away the other night when we're talking on the phone and he's telling me about his previous (of many many girls) that he just gave the boot. Then he continues with "I know you're the perfect girl for me, but I know I'm a dick and I know I would cheat on you like I do everybody. That's why I never pursued you any further!) I'M DYING!! Is this a line of Bullshit?? or I'm a safe secret in his pandora's box? I've met you a few times, and I think you might just have an interesting twist of advice for me. Should I go for it one more time? or make him my best bud for life?
love and rocketts

dear dvs4u2,
Firsly, you went for it before and you are still friends, right? So, go for it again. I'm sure if it doesn't work out that he'll still be your friend. I don't think he is giving you a line of bullshit. He probably really respects you and doesn't want you to be just another fuck as he proceeds through his "wanna just get fucked" phase in life.
I say, try things! It's what makes life interesting.

Good luck,
Dr. Rockett

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